WARRIOR VS SURRENDER
As we say goodbye to 2015 and prepare to ring in a bright + fresh 2016, I am reflecting on some moments over the past year where deep realizations were a catalyst for even deeper healing. One such moment was a refreshing awareness + clarity on how I was managing my illness + treatments - when a softening and acceptance of, instead of warrior-like resistance, to where I was at that time in my journey became the motivation for a new, gentler, + kinder approach to my continued healing.
What happens when your warrior-like approach to healing has set you back further than you ever could have possibly imagined. Or to be kinder, has perhaps been too aggressive and hindered the rate at which you were able to heal in the first place? What does it mean to surrender? Does surrendering equal failure? Does surrender mean the illness has won? Or can it be viewed as a gesture of extreme self care and self love? What if surrendering is just acceptance for where you are NOW in the journey? And a promise to yourself to be gentle and FLOW a bit more.
These are all questions and thoughts that came up during a recent EFT healing session. Since diagnosis, I have taken a warrior-like stance in my Late Stage Lyme Disease "battle", gearing up strength + purseverance, and yes, a battle-like mentality, to pursue each and every round of treatments with a positivity + optimism. Whole body, mind, and spirit belief that this will be the thing that works, that this is what my body needs. A strict dedication to follow through with the each and every protocol perfectly. And approach all my other intensive detox and self care routines with the same level of precision + purity. My decades-old perfectionism tendencies turned out not to be so helpful during this journey.
The treatments, although mostly completely natural, have been off the charts aggressive and intense. However, so were my own thoughts surrounding my illness. "Get rid of this as fast as I can." "KILL those spirochettes." "Detox as much as possible." "Consume zero sugar, gluten, dairy." "Period." Leaving no room for balance. Where was the kindness and acceptance in all of my thinking? There was none. I was in pure, 100% battle mode. In the moment, I misinterpreted this approach to be wholly proactive, as I thought the treatments that I was embracing were THE best way to heal myself. Alas, it all backfired. Too much, too aggressive, too intensive, too fast.
So again I am asking myself, "Does surrendering a bit, and toning down the severity, mean that the illness wins?"
"Or will win?"
Definitely not. My slow to realize aha moment is that healing is a multi-layered, multi-system gig. So I've been slowing the process down a bit, focusing on these various layers one by one. Each in their ideal order. But also putting a much greater focus on a kindness, a gentleness, a compassionate, a more "in the flow" style of healing.